I need to start all over. No this is not a "new blog" scare. I need to start from the beginning of me! Somewhere along the path of my 19 years and 3 months of life I went totally wrong. Until now, I thought I had it all under control but the end of 2011 brought me great grief and dissatisfaction. Not in only one, but in ALL aspects of my life, so I blame these issues on me. This is quite personal and I wont really get into specific examples, but I need somewhere to write this down, date, and archive it.
I do not know where to begin because it is all so confusing. From the fact that I cannot write a simple "About Me" excerpt nor answer the question "Tell me about yourself" without thinking "ummmm..." and going on a wild tangent about some life I think I live. To the fact that I swear that I have a few close, strong friendships but find it hard to go to them when I have a problem dealing with myself, and not with others. Also the fact I can be a powerful force when it comes to defending, protecting, and respecting others but when it comes to myself, I stoop down to a pathetic dumbness. Small issues but all these together, plus so many more facts, combine to make me feel mentally insecure about myself. I cant speak up for myself, im indecisive (literally my mother makes all my decisions), I daydream and fantasize way more than necessary (which leaves me to dislike my reality), I talk a big game but havent even proven to myself that I can win. All this leaves me vulnerable and weak and easily used-Correction: ABUSED by everything and everyone around me. I dont want to have a pity party, nor do I need sympathy but I have come to a self realization that I have grown up wrong and I need to fix it myself.
Wow, just that part was soooo deep! Didnt think I had it in me. Although I can write it out this is not becomming any more relieving yet. 2011 was NOT a bad year, neither it was a good one. I want this year to be marked as a learning experience. Well based upon above statements, my whole life to this point can be marked as a learning experience. I really dont know what I am getting at but I guess ultimately this all boils down to what I seek to change about myself this New Year. My New Years Resolution.
It is taking me a while to really pinpoint what it is or even formulate it in a sentence. Sometime I have it, sometimes I dont, and sometimes I know it but I just cant say it in a way to make sense. I want to sum it up to a "basically" phrase but I cant.
This year, 2012, brings independancy? No more taking care of others over me. No more going out of my way to fit the needs of others. No more sought out guidance from my mother; if she wants to lend advice to me, she may, but I cant ask her for basic decision making. No more unhealthy needing for attention from anyone. No more faking I am happy about something that I am not. No more doing something I dont want to do but since I am needed in certain situations I shall follow along. No more trying to engage people with each other that do not care to be engaged. No more of getting into other peoples business and messing things up. No more hating people. No more putting myself out there until Im perfectly ready to take the reaction. No more building people up and allowing myself to be broken down. No more need for people around who dont want me around. I dont know if all of these fit under "independancy" but I am stating it so it will be known. Not to anyone else but to myself.
More doing things that make me happy. More money...spent on ME. More great grades. More smart decisions and being aware that I do know how to make them on my own. More going forward in my education to complete my goals in life. More taking care of me (health wise). More finding my own financial stability. More self gratification because I do not need it from anyone else. More keeping what i know to myself. More minding my own business. More truths to give ONLY when asked. More confidence in me and not just my looks. More focus and love for family. More learning who I really am.
I dont plan on all of a sudden having a "I dont give a fuck" attitude because that will only just be another front. I want to find happiness in me and find what I like that really makes me, me. I still love the people that came into my life since the day I was born because every one, every time, every situation has brought me to this point; my lowest point. It is time for me to build myself back up, because I am the only one that can.
There is so much more that goes into my resolution. I still think of my resolution with a question mark because I dont know if this is all. Their is so much more that goes into my change. 2011 brought me face to face with my fears and I didnt have much of a fight. 2012 will be very different.
REACTION TO WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN:
I am ready.
